Get it right

Get It Right
What have I done? I wish I could run.
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send down a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight.

So this pretty much is one of my favorite songs it pretty much sums up the way I feel when things don’t work out with guys I’ve been interested in. I probably can’t count the number of failed attempts on two hands. The number goes on and on. That’s why this song screams Jennifer.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Around this time approximately 4 years ago I was staring at my computer screen in utter disbelief. One, because I just saw my grades from my first semester of college and realized I had flunk all of my pre-med classes and two, my dream of becoming a doctor was slowly going down the drain. I also was scared because I was unsure what my grades meant… Would I be a semester behind and not graduate with my class? Would I be forced to drop out? What was going to happen to me?

Well, the only thing that did come true from that whole list of panics was I was not going to become a doctor. This is a huge deal because all of my life this was my one and only dream that ever stuck. It’s funny though because now I am perfectly happy where I ended up. I love every aspect of psychology and I love every aspect of becoming a therapist. I am thoroughly excited for my future.

It just goes to show that not a single thing that we plan is guaranteed to happen. Which is fine, because I want to be doing God’s will and not my own and if doing his will means my plans get ruined then that is fine with me. I can now say after looking back at my whole experience that my plan being ruined it one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am thoroughly happy with my life and the route that it is taking.

My mom works at a hospital and after hearing some of the stories she has told me I don’t think I could have been a doctor. It just seems like so many sad things happen and people are constantly getting sick and dying. I’ve never been good with this concept (sickness and death). Usually when it occurs in my life I immediately go numb and pretend as if it doesn’t exist. This just goes to show that God knew me better then I knew myself. Praise God for that!

“Wait for the man who makes you want to be a better person, a man who inspires you because he is always striving to better himself.” -Matthew Kelly (The Rhythm of Life)

So I know I’m preaching this to the choir, but I hate how the good guys never get recognition. It’s always the guy who “hooked up with the hottest girl” or something to that extent…

How about the guy who told the severely self-conscious girl that she looked absolutely beautiful. Or the guy who wiped away the tears of a girl who’s crappy boyfriend just broke up with her for the third time. What about the guy that’s in love with a girl not because she is “hot” or “sexy” but because he believes her to be one of the most stunningly beautiful women inside and out. What about the guy who is sick and tired but listens to a friend in need regardless of his current physical state. What about the guy who volunteers his time to help others in need instead of focusing on his own needs. Or the guy who is passionately in love with God.

I could go on and on. These Men don’t get recognition. I mean think about it. When a girl does something good everyone hears about it because it is expected of her and people want to praise her for it. That’s why girls get the better rep, you hear about it more. But there are still these wonderful men that rarely if ever gets praised. This ERKS me!!! These are the type of men that we need to hold up on a pedestal. These are the men who women should be lining up to date.

Ladies, how many times have we complained about there not being enough good men out there but the second a good guy shows interest in us we turn him down… Your opportunity was a knockin.. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been in that exact boat. We need to praise these men. We need to encourage them. These are the men you should be dating. These are the men you should be marrying. Because these men will put you first and they will love you selflessly.

Alright I’ll step down from my soap box now.

“I’d rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.” Emma Goldman

So I kind of LOVE roses.  It’s funny though because when I was younger and my parents would get me flowers for my dance recital I didn’t really care. I was like OHHHHHH Preetttyyy, K. Done. But then someone introduced me to St.Therese and she always gives people that ask for her intercession a flower of some type usually a rose. After that I was obsessed with roses. Give me a single rose and I’m yours forever. So this weekend when I went to a banquet and they had these roses. When it ended they were going to throw them away and that is not OK. There is no point in letting perfectly beautiful flowers go to waste especially roses. So me and friend grabbed and few and left. 

I know it sounds crazy that a simple rose will appease me. Most girls want diamond rings and expensive gifts and all I want is a simple rose. For me they symbolize beauty. They symbolize something so much more than any expensive gift could. The only upsetting thing is that they don’t last for long. But I think that’s part of the joy, you get this short gift for a short amount of time but it usually comes unexpectedly  and you usually get to enjoy it like a guest. It doesn’t stay for long but you get to enjoy its presence while it is there for the short time its there.

I think if there was anything that I would want always present in my life would be roses. They symbolize something so beautiful and pure. (and yes I took these pictures )

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”-Maya Angelou

This past week has been one of the worst weeks, ever. I was stressed to no end and feeling extremely overwhelmed. I had several test, papers and quizzes along with research to do. It was not fun. The one thing that really helped me get through it was God first of all and 2nd of all music. I literally was doing everything with my earbuds in my ears.

For example, today I had a migraine starting at 5 and currently still going. I’m in pain, but after sitting down and listening to some music for a little while I started feeling a lot better. A LOT BETTER!

There is just something about music. Almost like you can leave what ever you are doing at the time and go to a safe haven. A place where you feel completely excepted, loved and embraced. Regardless of what music you listen to you it is something entirely your own that no one can take away from you. Its your refuge in the world.I love that feeling. I love being able to express the very desires of my heart through singing. It’s one of deepest passions.

:D <3

So, senior year has been filled with craziness.  I have been so busy, busy to the point that in my free time the only thing I have time for is research for my senior research class or writing for one of my writing intensive classes. Recently I was called a nerd by one of my residents. . (That’s how bad it’s gotten) On Tuesday last week I had a terrible day, everything bad that could have gone wrong went wrong. By the end of the day I was in tears and crying because I had been pushing so much in and holding it in and Tuesday was the day that ignited it all. Luckily two of my residents came to talk with me and try to make it better and they did. They were so amazing and I am so grateful to have them this year. As the week progressed it slowly got better.

Saturday was the Apex I would have to say. I got to go to Montgomery with my residents and a few other people. We went to the Rosa Parks Museum, went on a tour of MLK’s house that he stayed at in the beginning of his civil rights work, got to see the outside of the church he preached at and then went to the Civil Rights Museum.

It was all really touching and helped me realize how lucky I am to be living in the time that I am living in. There were so many stories of civil rights martyrs that I had never heard before. Then I finished off the trip with Ice skating… Something I had never done before. Luckily I managed to get off the wall and skate without falling.

It was a blessing in disguise. Almost like an award for going through all that I went through on Tuesday. It was so awesome. So right now I’m just basking in God’s glory and thankful that I didn’t let that day get the best of me.

You will love again.

I know its hard to believe. You give so much of your heart away, only for it to end so quickly. You loved passionately and selflessly. They were your all and you hoped that in return you would be there all. Instead here you are sitting with tears falling down your face and certain that you will never love someone the way that you loved them. With a broken heart and a pint of ice cream by your side, you swear you will never love again. If this is what love means, then what is the point. You give everything and all that is returned to you is a heart bruised and tattered. I’m here to tell you that YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN. Right now it seems to be a very far and distant reality. Something you only hear about in movies. You WILL love again. This pain is nothing, it does not define you or predict your future. This is just a bump in the road leading you to something greater and better. You Will love again. Life is about the ride. It’s about getting to your final point in life. It’s about looking back at the pain and the mistakes and learning, so that you can become a better person from it. Yes, someday you will love again and none of this pain will matter anymore. The only scar it will leave is a scar that reminds you what you have is perfect for you.

Embrace today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

I’ve been pretty stressed out lately. It’s funny because just a few weeks ago I was complaining about how depressed I was and how low my self-esteem has been. So I guess it’s going to either be stress or depression. Personally I prefer the stress, because at least with the stress it is resolved when everything that needs to be done is done.

So I kind of came to the realization today that sometimes things just shouldn’t even be worried about. Sometimes you have to take things one day at a time. We are not promised tomorrow and if tomorrow never comes then our last day spent on this world was wasted worrying about something that didn’t even matter.

Here is my challenge. Embrace each day! Deal with what needs to be dealt with for the day and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. A life time can seem like a long time, but it’s not. Our life ends in the blink of an eye. One day your wishing you were old enough to drive, the next your wishing for one more day with the ones you love.

Cheer up sleepy Jen…

I have a really difficult time with this. Lately, I’ve been spending so much time being disappointed with my life and how things aren’t working out I’ve forgotten that I have to let go. It’s really hard for me to let go of things. I’m one of those people that I remember things… Like it’s really hard to do something to me and me not to remember it. I always remember.

Today I kind of came to the realization of what a depressed storm I got myself caught in. My friend Sean can always get me to smile. If you see me with him I’m usually smiling. Lately, every time we hang out I’m depressed and he keeps pointing this out to me. I forget that sometimes its not good to hold things in but its also not good to make things so apparent that others have a hard time being around you. Basically I kept saying negative things about myself and this made Sean so upset that he literally told me that the next time I said something negative about myself he was going to leave me and walk away, because he wasn’t going to stand around and let me dog myself like that.

I really appreciated that because he kind of made me realize how hard I was being on myself. If I couldn’t stand to be around myself, what made me think others could stand to be around me.  So sometimes regardless how miserable you are you have to suck it up and put a good face on, because in the midst of your hard times you never know what good could come out of a positive attitude.

I know this for a fact because after I had been having a rough day, I decided to go to a back to school dance social thing. At first I was standing on the side lines watching people and then someone managed to get me out there and dancing. It was then that I realized that sometimes you have to forget about your pain or what ever you are going through and just dance or sing or act like a total fool.

 

To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another…..

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
 —— author unknown                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I found this today. Actually, it probably found me. I’ve been having a truly rough month. I can’t even begin to name the number of reality checks I have had. The main one being that I learned that the whole time I thought I was letting go of the things I held so dear to me I’ve actually been clutching them with a death grip. There are a  number of things I have a very easy time letting go and letting God, but the one thing I have the hardest time with is Love. You see, all of my past relationships have been complete failures. Nothing worthy of bragging about. I mean I guess no one ever brags about failed relationships. The only relationships you ever hear people bragging about are the ones that worked out. So I have been on this quest to find someone who is worthy of a shot, and it seems like every time I think someone is worthy, they prove me wrong. Sometimes I feel like the only thing anyone can see is my exterior, almost like what’s in my heart doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t feel like I’m unworthy. I should be able to meet someone who helps me to discover things about myself that I didn’t even know. Someone who fell in love with me not because they thought I was “Hot” or that I had pretty eyes.

 I have sweared time and time again that I would not lower my standards for any one. I have pretty high standards and I’ve noticed that the more failed attempts the higher my standards rise. At this point I’m DONE. It’s not worth it. The more and more I want and desire the more and more I tear myself apart. I have really good self-esteem. I’ve always been able to identify my beauty. The past month I have had the worst self-esteem ever. I find myself looking into a mirror and disappointed. Disappointed because where I once saw a beautiful women worthy of love, in her place I see this disgusting person. Someone I don’t even recognize. This makes me so MAD. Not because I can’t change it, but because that’s all I can see any more. What have I become? I’m dissapointed in myself.

So today I came to the realization that I’m done. I’m not going to worry about relationships or define myself by what I think guys see. I’m going to focus on the fact that I am a beautiful child of God and that there is nothing that needs to be changed and that NO ONE is worth feeling inadequate. I never want to feel inadequate again. I’M DONE. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I AM WORTH IT. I don’t care if others can’t see that, because all that matter is I see that. I see that I am worthy and beautiful and no one else’s opinion matters. So I wave my white flag today. Not because I give up, but because I recognize that I’m worth more. I deserve more and I’m done trying.  If someone finds me worthy they are going to have to fight for me.